“God! (I wheeze desperately) God!, show me your mercy! Take this fat from me, take it God. I bind this fat and send it into the sea! Oh merciful God! Please take this roll from my waist as I sleep tonight – I promise I’ll never eat another pie, and if I do please give me leprosy. God lift this burden whose yolk is heavy! In Jesus name I pray. Oh and thank you that I have legs to exercise on. Amen”
40 minutes into a 60 minute cardio session you’re not just talking to God, you also start talking to yourself… “40 minutes down, 20 minutes to go, 40 minutes of pain, 20 minutes more, two-thirds done, one-third left, I’ve done 40, most only do 20, 40 is good, 60 is stupid. God loves 40, 40 days and nights of rain, 40 day fasts, 40 years in the wilderness.
“God! I know you believe in the power of 40. You understand that 40 is all it takes to change a situation. I feel you leading me to only do 40 minutes of cardio today and the next and probably Wednesday as well as I have a sore ankle and don’t want to miss this weeks episode of Biggest Loser. God you are so wise and compassionate, thank you that you lead me and teach me your ways”
(43 minutes)
At this point the sweat runs into your eye and your thighs have become cellulite bricks. Your life flashes before your eyes and there is a disconcerting amount of french-fries featured. Co-starring is the chocolate brownie that contains exactly 200 calories a piece and had its way with you during the great sugar crash of 3.20pm
“God! Thank you for sending me a vision in my time of need. I see clearly the decision I need to make. I must call Mom and counsel her not to make any more brownies, there are other ways she can love me. Also, I’m not sure if I can go on much longer, so please take care of my babies and help my husband find a new wife; preferably less attractive than me. Amen.
(48 minutes)
Will this nightmare NEVER END!? It’s as if time has stopped, the seconds are like minutes, all logic and reasoning has left you. It’s hard to even conjure up the motivation picture that usually works… you, a bikini, a cruise ship, and not a roll of fat in sight. I mean bikini’s are sooo 90’s, and too much exposure to the skin is very ageing, and who on earth would want to go on a cruise anyway – hello people – remember the Titanic?!
“Oh God! Take me! just take me now. If this is life, then who needs it? I beseech you God – hear my cry! Release me from this bondage of exercise and sweat. I know you want me to have blessing and abundance, but 1000 calories a day is not abundance, and my chafing thighs are not a blessing. Take me to Heaven where I can have my new body- I’m sure there’s a song that talks about ‘no more dieting there’ and I’m ready God, I’m ready!
(51 minutes)
Must keep going, can’t stop now. Need to burn 400 calories (who could ever stop at one piece of brownie?) and get sweat marks on your t-shirt to prove you worked hard on this ridiculous machine. Who ever invented such a thing is a sick, sick man who obviously never carried an extra pound.
“God! Please forgive the man who made this machine, and help him see the error of his ways. I know you love him like you love me, but it must be MUCH harder. Soften his heart God and his belly too, so he has opportunity to experience the torture of this machine in person. Thank you that you are righteous and just. Oh and please block my nose today when I drive past KFC, you know I have a reaction to the smell which causes me to drive through and order stuff. Amen.
(55 minutes)
Only 5 minutes to go…on the home stretch now… I am strong, mentally and physically strong; I am a champion; others would have stopped at 40 but not me– no way! Nothing can stop me now. Bikini - here I come, cruise ship – all aboard! I always say ‘God helps those who help themselves’, so maybe you can help me stop helping myself to the brownies! Amen.
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